As I was spending time with the Lord, I asked Him the question: “What more is it that you want off me?”  Feeling like Job and that he LEFT ME, The response I heard was…

Anja, I desire your HEART, ALL of your HEART, every part of your HEART, even the pieces that are still broken, all the places that have been wounded & rejected all the pieces that you think you are not good enough, all the pieces where you run to “WORLDLY PLEASURES”  to FILL the VOID inside yourself I DESIRE ALL OF IT, I DESIRE ALL OF YOU, will you give me your HEART? because if you do so I WILL GIVE YOU MINE…
4 years ago in 2009 i gave up what I “thought” was EVERYTHING to follow Jesus… my job, my car, my apartment, my family in South Africa, my friends, my time, my energy, my desires, my future, my plans, my dreams…
Since then i’ve gained the privilege to see CREATION – Malawi, Mozambique, Russia, Japan, South Korea, China, Pakistan, Iran, Turkey, Syria, Jordan, Israel, Hawaii, Philippines, North Korea and USA
I had to die in EVERY ENTITLE MENT or RIGHT that i THOUGHT i deserve and start walking in a un offend able Heart, because i quickly realized i deserve NOTHING, i don’t even deserve life, or good health, loving family etc.  THANKFULNESS and GRATEFULNESS flooded my SOUL as i journey’d through these nations realizing the portion that was given to me already, the  GENERATIONAL Blessings that i walked in and unmerited FAVOR!

It’s  been awhile since I have written  and there are probably several reasons I could give for why I have not, but I think the main reason is that my heart had died for a while to dreaming. Died for awhile to trusting, Died for awhile to hope, withholding parts that I thought He wouldn’t take care of, hiding in the shadows because I did not want to be seen. Because i had shame and guilt and condemnation, Distrust had entered in, doubt plagued…All of this because i tried to do everything in my own strength, I was longing for love in a BROKEN MESSED UP WORLD, and after years of dying to self and striving for HOLINESS  in a moment of WEAKNESS i FELL, i FELL HARD, I FELL DEEP into the arms of darkness and sin…i soon realized God doesn’t care about our sin, HE LOVES US but sin is self distructing and it separates us from him, he does not separate himself from us, but we separate ourselves from him because of guilt and shame and self condemnation and ( JUDGEMENT of the WORLD) 

John 8:7 he who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone
Romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God  
As Christians we try so hard, we try and be Christ like to take on His caracter and nature, yet we fall short of the glory of God… does this mean we can continue in sin? absolutely NOT, yes there is Grace and yes there is Mercy but that is exactly what it is, Grace and Mercy.  The enemy wanted to take me out, he wanted to silence me, he wanted me to never lift my head up and continue to testify about my best friend Jesus, he wanted me to continue feeling shame and guilt and condemnation, i felt like i was the WORST CHRISTIAN EVER, I felt the responsibility was mine, I didn’t just DISAPPOINT myself but i disappointed GOD and people who put me on a pedestal, i felt like a  HYPOCRITE, i felt like i messed up all these years of walking into HIS loving arms and towards Holiness and i failed WITNESSING him to the people around me. 
BUT THEN …..in one moment of TIME:
His VOICE broke through, He told me it was PRIDE thinking that i can safe others or even feeling responsible for their salvation or even that i thought i had a different standard and that people were thinking that i was more HOLY than them… Pride comes before the fall – He told me everyone is responsible before HIM for their live’s and actions and attitudes and judgements, He told me we all need to cry out for Mercy and Grace daily because man never knows when their hour will come that they will NEED ME, when the enemy brings illness/death/destruction because of Man’s wicked thoughts, man open the door to Satan through the bad motives of man’s heart because they don’t KNOW me… I AM THE ONLY JUDGE and I judge PEOPLE’s HEARTS, I judge people’s  MOTIVES… I’m coming for a people with clean hands and PURE HEARTS “Psalm 24” 
NOW WALK in my FORGIVENESS and extend grace and mercy to others because  they know not what they are doing… You my daughter just come back to me, return to your Father, return to the one who will make all things NEW, return to walk in my NATURE, return to walk in my CHARACTER, JUST RETURN TO ME… the ENEMY wants to claim you and steal you away from me but I AM NOT GOING TO ALLOW HIM TO DO THAT because I KNOW THE PLANS AND THE PURPOSE I HAVE FOR YOU, DECLARES THE LORD, PLANS TO PROSPER YOU AND NOT TO HARM YOU, PLANS TO GIVE YOU HOPE AND A FUTURE Jeremiah 29:11  He came to meet me where i was and led me back to the garden. He called out my name, for He knows me by name, He knows me by every detail, every part of me, better than I know myself. THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE KNOWS ME…
He said: Anja get up my child, lift up your head, open your mouth, do NOT be silent, do NOT be ashamed, do NOT feel judged, do NOT give up on the beautiful work that i’ve done in you my daughter, you are mine, you are mine, you are a voice to the voiceless, you will bind up the broken hearts, heal the wounded, set the captives free, proclaim liberty and freedom to the LOST because you are BOUGHT with a PRICE, my BLOOD has cleaned you and washed you i send my SON for you because I LOVE you!  YOU are FREE walk in this FREEDOM, continue to HOLINESS and SANCTIFICATION, do not look back, only look forward, yesterday will never come again, you’ve only got the future…in John 8:7 the scripture continues and Jesus says NOW SIN NO MORE “

Thinking about  the past months, I realized I stopped expressing, I stopped sharing, I stopped dreaming…
But…. He called me back to LIFE, He woke up this sleeper once again,  to RESTORE what was BROKEN, and repair this fragile HEART -John 14 says i will not leave you ORPHANSo here I am again, giving all my broken pieces to the Lord, more dependent on the Lord, desperate for Him, desperate to please him, dreaming once again with the hope and belief that He will make all the pieces whole and beautiful in His time…

TODAY is a NEW DAY… Everyday is another opportunity for me to manifest JESUS. Please help me represent you well today. Everyday people are dying that don’t know you, that don’t know that you are forgiving, merciful, loving and kind, Help me to bring HOPE in a broken HOPELESS world, thank you for the GIFT of LIFE, continue to humble me and mold me to your nature and character, I FALL SHORT OF YOUR GLORY help me ABBA to be a LIGHT in the DARKNESS!
My child all the BROKEN PIECES of your PAST will make a BEAUTIFUL MOSAIC of your FUTURE!